At first, the shell I built around my pain was rather fragile. Sometimes, without warning, it was pierced rudely - leaving me without defense against a consuming anguish. People would say something so asinine or downright tacky and my heart would break all over again. My pain would pour from me as I tried to make them understand that these were my babies. I was bewildered by their lack of understanding and crippled by my hurt. It was all I could do to get from one day to the next.
Then anger purged my pain. Anger at their ignorance, insensitivity, and uncaring or dismissive words. Anger at God. My heart was full of anger as I tried to reconcile the life I expected with the life I was living. The truths my heart knew fought with the lies the world was spinning. Anger was a fire deep inside my heart that burned me up, burned up my Grace for others.
After the anger left, burned out from raging too hot and too fast, there was a strange empty feeling. Heavy, like the air before a storm, but very still.
Gradually, I filled that space. I found what some call the new normal. Where up is down and right is left and everyone just accepts it and moves on. Where babies die and mommas hurt and families are changed and different...but it's just your life.
And I can't really pinpoint when all that hurt and anger and sadness changed direction. I can't really say when some of the cracks that were there one year ago during Capture Your Grief mended a little. I can't pinpoint a moment in my fight with God where peace was restored and faith reaffirmed.
My heart, right now, knows boundless Joy in the children that are with me and an incredible Gratefulness for them. But underneath there is a Heavy longing for those children that are in God's Hands, a burden no one sees. I guess, strangely enough, that my heart is healing. One day and prayer at a time.