Wednesday, October 2, 2013

CaptureYourGrief. Day 2. Identity

When I was three or four months pregnant with Dancer, I wandered into the back of a Barnes & Noble and stumbled onto the baby books. Thirty minutes later I stood crying, hugging the small mound of my tummy - scared of all the awful scary things that could happen if I ate the wrong thing. When my husband found me he snatched the books away from me, forbade me to read any more (during the entire pregnancy), and then bought me a baby name book. 10,000 Baby Names...

I cannot tell you how many nights I sat in bed with a highlighter, looking for the perfect name for our baby girl. I read the whole girl section aloud to him - much to his chagrin. We bickered and laughed and eventually picked the perfect name.

We did that for every single one of our babies. Did you know that? With that same book, with my husband, and later with my daughters...we picked our babies' names.

Jessie

Kasey Klaire

Nathanael James

Kayla Lucille

Isaac Damon

I made lists of first and middle names. I asked my best friend which ones she liked. I looked at the meanings of the names. They had to be perfect. When Dancer, at five, wandered through the living room and told me that this baby's name HAD to be Isaac, I said ok. And then I let her sit down with the baby book and pick his middle name as well.

We found out we were pregnant with Kayla when my husband's grandmother died - and gave her Lucille's name in love and memory.

Nathanael means gift from God.

Kasey means active, which we thought was funny because she moved so much. We thought she would have to be a firecracker to keep up with Dancer and Diva.

Jessie means wealthy, the way we felt from the minute we found out that number 3 was on the way.

Those names are everything. They are a big part of what I have left of my babies. The memories surrounding them are caught up in where I sat, what I wore, and what was said as we picked the perfect names.

We did what every expectant parent does. But no one ever asks their names....

It's like they don't want to know.

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