Friday, October 11, 2013

CaptureYourGrief. Day 11. Triggers

Doctors. I cannot stand doctor's offices. When they show me to that empty, impersonal exam room - there is a cold pit in my stomach. The crinkle of the paper on the bed makes me wince and swallow. While the nurse asks her questions, my eyes dart nervously around the room. And when she leaves...when that door clicks closed behind her...I shut my eyes.

I have to concentrate on breathing. Trying to keep it regular, evenly paced. I pinch my nose trying to prevent tears. But it hardly ever works. And as my heart pounds and my breathing turns ragged, I start to sweat.

If they leave me alone for more than a few minutes, I can have a full blown panic attack.

That's right. A panic attack. In a doctor's office. Because every time I walk into one, memories wash over me. Every OB visit where we watched our babies grow and move. Every measurement we took and test we ran. And every time they checked, only to tell us that their hearts had stopped and we were headed down that same path we'd taken before.

So, yeah...doctors are a HUGE TRIGGER.

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