Wednesday, August 21, 2013

One of Many

Little Bit,

I've waited for you....well, for a really long time. Sometimes it seemed like forever. And sometimes, while I was waiting, I lost hope. And faith.  But here you are. Right here next to me. Snuggled up to my side, having soundly kicked your Daddy out of bed. You are warm and soft. Your breath puffs gently against my skin. I can't help but stare at you. I trace your tiny ears and chubby cheeks with my eyes and my fingers itch to touch you - but I don't want to disturb such peaceful sleep.

Sometimes the miracle of healthy children is one we take for granted. We grow up, get married, and we think that the family we want will quite naturally follow. Sometimes they come unexpectedly, like your sister Dancer - but never unwelcome. And sometimes, the miracle is cut short and pieces of your heart are lost to children who will never walk this earth with you. 

I don't know how you are here. But I know to Thank God. Because there is no explanation, no medical intervention...there is nothing that explains how you are here when so many of our children aren't. You are my very own miracle.

There are times I fear that God will ask me to give you back. That he will give me you or your sisters for only a while. It is a fear that every parent knows in some measure, especially when they look out at the world. It is not always a safe place. 

But right now I hold you tight, storing up all the cuddles and kisses and songs I can get before you grow  out of them. Before you become one of the rough and tumble toddlers or the fearless climber - before my daily heart attacks or your first cast. And every time I hold you and sing to you and pray over you, my heart heals a little. I feel a little bit of light and hope creep in where darkness has had the upper hand. 

There is one more thing. I love you. Always. I want you to know that you were loved before you were born, and you will be loved always. Whether you are obedient or obstinate. Whatever you grow up to be, and whatever mistakes you make along the way. Whether I agree with your choices or not. You are mine, an incredible gift. 

Love,

Mommy

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