Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Rainbows are Coming

Some call him a rainbow baby. He is the one that comes after - after all the heartache, and loss, and tears. Like the sun coming out after a storm, or in the case of Noah (the biblical one) - a promise from God that the destruction is over.

Those who don't understand fully - who don't know the hole that losing a child carves in your soul - they think of him as a band-aid.

Oh, look, they think, we can finally all get past this. She'll finally have the baby she wanted, and she'll finally feel better. And it will all be over...

How do I know they think these things? Because they say them!

And oh, how I wish they wouldn't. This baby is not a band-aid. He does not heal or fix the wounds of the last 4 years. He is is own special, beautiful, glorious blessing from God. His very own person, separate and apart from who our other children would have been. And he is not the antidote to our brokenness.

He will, I'm sure, heal some hurts. But I know that some days I will still look at him and mourn the sons I lost before him - the big brothers he will never know. That he will never play with, not here anyway. I will wonder, as he grows, how much he shares with them. And that bittersweet joy will rip at me, making me feel a little lost. Because I will wonder, why can't you just forget and find happiness in him?

I think it too, you know. I want to beat up myself sometimes with the wondering...why can't you just get over it?!

Still, I know that God is with me. That he comforts me, heals me, and that when I return again and again...He is there.

2 comments:

  1. I lost a little brother (2nd grade). We thought we might have to bury my Mom as well at the time. But, she knew she had the other 5 of us she had to raise, she knew she couldn't just climb in that coffin with my little brother. We ached when we sat down for a meal and he wasn't there in his usual place. We ached when we thought of something he would have made us laugh at.
    You are right, one child can not take the place of another.
    Silence, we never spoke of him. Silence because the pain was too great to speak of and it was the way chosen to deal with it.
    Like you said, we have wondered from time to time what he would have been like, what love we would have shared. But, he was called home and we learned to accept that.
    Now, many, many years later, we can talk about it. The scars have healed and we can talk about it but inside I still cry at the loss for us but can't help but think of his victory. He didn't have to know about sin, wars, hurt, etc. He was innocent and we all know how much God loves the Little Children so we know he has a special place in Heaven. What more could we want or ask for without feeling selfish? I'm glad he is there, at home with Him.
    Love to all.

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  2. I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. I've seen how devastating our losses have been for the girls, and I know (from a mother's perspective) how hard it is to watch your children hurt that way.

    For me, as a mother, the devastation was incredible - but, you're right, I knew I had to get up the next morning...and the next because I have other children I love and who need me.

    And knowing they are safe from the disappointments of this world is of some comfort, but it takes time to get to that place.

    God bless you!

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