Some call him a rainbow baby. He is the one that comes after - after all the heartache, and loss, and tears. Like the sun coming out after a storm, or in the case of Noah (the biblical one) - a promise from God that the destruction is over.
Those who don't understand fully - who don't know the hole that losing a child carves in your soul - they think of him as a band-aid.
Oh, look, they think, we can finally all get past this. She'll finally have the baby she wanted, and she'll finally feel better. And it will all be over...
How do I know they think these things? Because they say them!
And oh, how I wish they wouldn't. This baby is not a band-aid. He does not heal or fix the wounds of the last 4 years. He is is own special, beautiful, glorious blessing from God. His very own person, separate and apart from who our other children would have been. And he is not the antidote to our brokenness.
He will, I'm sure, heal some hurts. But I know that some days I will still look at him and mourn the sons I lost before him - the big brothers he will never know. That he will never play with, not here anyway. I will wonder, as he grows, how much he shares with them. And that bittersweet joy will rip at me, making me feel a little lost. Because I will wonder, why can't you just forget and find happiness in him?
I think it too, you know. I want to beat up myself sometimes with the wondering...why can't you just get over it?!
Still, I know that God is with me. That he comforts me, heals me, and that when I return again and again...He is there.