Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Wisp of Wanting

I bought him a book.

It is the first purchase I've made for him.

A book.

After about thirty minutes of wandering through Target evaluating car seats and bassinets, I left empty handed. Tired...defeated. And I couldn't imagine my child - my son - in those. They didn't fit.  I didn't have the drive to buy those - even though I know it's time. Time to prepare...for him.

So I stopped by the bookstore to enjoy a cup of coffee. I needed to rest - and books are a quiet place for me. I like looking at the photography books and thinking that I'd love to have a few for the coffee table I don't have. I love the weight and seriousness of the biographies, the beauty of the bibles, and the colorful covers of the paperbacks. I've spent hours in bookstores. 

And after winding my way through the bookstore for a good while, and sipping a cup of coffee, it came to me...

I want to buy him a book.

So I headed to the children's section. And instead of turning away and not looking at the tiny board and cloth books for babies...I took a deep breath and waded in.

And I picked one out. Paid for it. Left.

When I got home I sat it on my desk, right next to the beautiful jumble of pictures that feature Dancer and Diva.

Every time I see it sitting there, waiting so patiently...I can see him. For the first time, I can imagine him.

Cradled in my arms, nursing. Me, reading to him, making funny voices and faces like I did once for my girls. And him, soaking me in. 

Somehow that made it easier to go to the store yesterday and buy something else...something to bring him home in. A little blue pajama with polar bears and walruses ice fishing together. And a matching hat. It made me laugh. Just a little. A little sigh of laughter at how cute he would look in that outfit...and how appropriate it is given our rocky introduction to real winters here in the mountains.

So now he has exactly two things. And I had to listen to myself carefully. I had to not be impatient with myself. I had to forgive myself for not being ready yet. Not ready to brave the baby stores and the paraphernalia...not ready to dive in and go full speed ahead.

Because now, I can feel it. The readiness to buy a few things, and accept the gifts my friends and family have offered. The need to make him real in our home - while we continue to pray for his well being. It is time.

Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything. Everything in its time. It is OK now...it is time. To be, if not confident, then...hopeful. It is time to be ready.  

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