Saturday, October 6, 2012

To My Son

A letter to my son, Isaac. Written after he left us. 

Dear Isaac,

You...You are the one that broke us. You are the loss that ended our hope for another child, the one that devastated our family. The others - we hurt and we cried, but we tried to move on. With you, we fell. We fell off the proverbial edge, down into a chasm of grief - and we see no way out. 

How do we be in this place?

You are the one Dancer remembers. You and Kasey. She remembers Kasey because she was the first - her first experience with death. She remembers not only her own bewilderment, but Mommy and Daddy's grief as well. She wanted to comfort us, to make it all better. You she remembers because she wanted to be your big sister. Dancer named you, insistent that if we had a boy his name had to be Isaac. And when we told her you were gone, she wrapped her arms around me and laid her head on the large mound of my tummy. She cried and said, "I would have been a good big sister, Mommy." All I could say was, "I know." 

And now, she doesn't pray. She says she has nothing to pray for. How that hurts my heart. It twists my soul into knots - her inability to ask God for anything after her prayers for you went unanswered. 

I miss you. I held you within me and felt your kicks and rolls. I wanted so badly to hold you, pink cheeked and wailing. I would have given anything for you - anything. And it is so hard not to be angry. There is some comfort in knowing that you will never know the pain and disappointment here - that you do not have the same battles to fight as your sisters. But, it is only some comfort. It does not ease my empty arms. And when I think of you - I know that you do not feel the grief and sadness that I do. 

You do not miss being my child the way I miss being your mother. How could you? Grief and sadness have no place where you have gone. And I wonder where my love for you goes. I ask myself, "Will I ever get to be his mother?" Does Heaven recognize such bonds and love? 

Even that thought hurts. You are in a perfect place of joy - and I am useless to you. You do not miss me. How could you?

I am so afraid that after being denied the chance to hold and love you here - that the same will be true there.

I love you.

Mommy

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