Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Truth

I am still young enough - and Dancer & Diva still small enough - that I am often asked, "Are you planning on having any more?" 

Or, if my children are not with me, "How many kids do you have?"

If I am visibly pregnant, "Is this your first?"

There is a moment, any time I get those questions...I freeze. Literally. My heart seizes, and the breath whooshes from my lungs. My smile tilts, and my brain ceases to work.

I never feel compelled to hide any of my children, including those I've lost. I feel no obligation to gloss over their existence. 

I don't always share them. Though it has gotten easier in the last few years to see who to share them with. There is something - perhaps it is mother's intuition - that tells me: this person will not turn away
The most hurtful words, though, are from those who deny their very existence. Because they were born still - because they never took a breath outside my body - these people think my babies aren't real. They are not even a footnote

Not worth mourning.

"Oh, it was stillborn!" they say. "Well, at least you didn't get to know it."

The words are not enough, angry enough, to tell you what this makes me feel. To know that some consider my children, conceived in love and birthed in love and grief, to be nothing.  

So, I am sharing some of my words. They are not eloquent. They were born of anguish. They were a prayer. And hopefully, they help someone understand...

Each one of these children, much loved and missed, was a person. A real part of our family. And each one takes pieces of me with them.


One More Moment

Please, Don't Go.
Stay with me a little while
Still and quiet
Beautiful to my eyes

Let your simply being
Comfort me
Give my heart peace
And light joy in my soul

Like something wounded
You came into this world
Warm, but gray
With eyes tightly shut

All those fingers
And long skinny toes
Dark, dark hair
And peace I've never seen

Wonder fills me.
Even as tears
Soak my face
I stroke yours

Too still, Too quiet
You have broken me
Pain covers me…
I will never find all my pieces

Please God, put me back together
I pray…I know He hears me
But He will not give you back
My perfect baby.  My Kasey.

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