For three months after we lost Kasey, I couldn't go into a church. I would sit in the parking lot, staring at the church...and I would panic.
Sometimes I would make it inside, only to turn around and leave within minutes.
I just could not do it.
I was finally able to sit through a worship service. But, I have a big secret...
Sometimes, church still hurts.
I am not, I believe, in any danger of ceasing to believe in God. But, I do not always believe in a good God.
"When you are happy, so happy you have no sense of needing Him, so happy you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be - or so it seems - welcomed with opened arms.
But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is in vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become."
That is the danger. Not that I will stop believing in God, but that I will begin to hear only the silence, and that it will overwhelm me. That it will sink into my soul and I will not be able to hear Him anymore.