Like the conditions are harsher and I'm not sure...how do I put down roots here?
I get up and go to church. I dress up. I smile....and I pray someone sees past the smile to who I am.
I push and push to get Dancer into a good school - and I do - selling myself as much as her.
I wander around our new grocery store and I keep thinking, "will this place ever feel like mine?".
When did I become so unsettled?
The kids were quick to establish ownership. This is our house, and my room. This is where we shop. That is our church.
I know they aren't completely settled yet. Casanova said exactly what I was thinking this morning at 4:30 AM.
"It's worse than when they were infants. Somebody's up every two hours." And he wasn't kidding.
At least when they're infants you expect the sleep deprivation.
I guess more than anything I am bewildered. That's a good word, isn't it?
It's not just the weather that's different here. The houses and stores and people are different, too. I sometimes feel like I'm navigating uncharted waters without a map. Hence the bewildered-ness. And no, that's not really a word. But, I'm trying it out. I can do that...I was an English major.
Even though we moved around a good bit in Texas....it's still Texas!
And there are things I miss.
I miss my friends. I miss knowing that they could drop their kids off, or I mine - with little notice. I miss having someone right down the street that doesn't mind whether I'm smiling, laughing, or crying...they still love me. I miss knowing my place.
How long before I have my place here?
How mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint;
heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, LORD, how long?
Turn, LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
Psalm 6: 2-4