Saturday, August 11, 2012

Growing Pains

I feel....transplanted.

Like the conditions are harsher and I'm not sure...how do I put down roots here?

I get up and go to church. I dress up. I smile....and I pray someone sees past the smile to who I am.

I push and push to get Dancer into a good school - and I do - selling myself as much as her.

I wander around our new grocery store and I keep thinking, "will this place ever feel like mine?"

I feel....tentative.

When did I become so unsettled?

The kids were quick to establish ownership. This is our house, and my room. This is where we shop. That is our church.

I know they aren't completely settled yet. Casanova said exactly what I was thinking this morning at 4:30 AM.

"It's worse than when they were infants. Somebody's up every two hours."  And he wasn't kidding.

At least when they're infants you expect the sleep deprivation. 

I guess more than anything I am bewildered. That's a good word, isn't it?  

Disoriented...confused...

It's not just the weather that's different here. The houses and stores and people are different, too. I sometimes feel like I'm navigating uncharted waters without a map. Hence the bewildered-ness.  And no, that's not really a word. But, I'm trying it out. I can do that...I was an English major.

Even though we moved around a good bit in Texas....it's still Texas!

And there are things I miss.

I miss my friends. I miss knowing that they could drop their kids off, or I mine - with little notice. I miss having someone right down the street that doesn't mind whether I'm smiling, laughing, or crying...they still love me. I miss knowing my place.

How long before I have my place here?

How mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint;
heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, LORD, how long?

Turn, LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.

Psalm 6: 2-4


2 comments:

  1. This world is not my home...... At times this seems more poignant and deep feeling than other times. It is an unsettling feeling and thought....and I crave "normal" sometimes....but have had to continue walking, even when I felt like throwing a wall-eyed hissy fit complete with falling on the floor and stomping my feet and throwing myself around as I yell out NO!!! Ok, so maybe I do that in my head - haha - but then end up asking God for a small moment, a inkling of what this is all about, a peaceful moment in my soul - even among the craziness. And am usually able to take a deep breath and say, "ok, I don't know what this is all about or what it's for....but I trust you.". It is a weary but satisfying feeling. Praying for you today . Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I appreciate ALL prayers...especially these days.

      And I have little moments play out in my head, too. In my mind my fits look remarkably similar to my children's'. LOL

      Delete