Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Everything New

Even though I hated it, there was a part of me that felt our TEM (truly epic move) was a new beginning. This was a chance to begin something separate and apart from the tragedy that has dotted the last few years. And I felt some...relief.

It was a chance to unburden myself - I could heal and pray and....become someone again. Someone not rolling from one grief to the next, from one hurt to another. I could do more than survive.

"We are finished." we said. Finished listening to the tug in our hearts for more children, finished listening to doctors' theories, and finished praying for something that has become an impossible dream.

And now, we are pregnant again. Unintentionally, unbelievably....I don't even have the words.

I thought about not telling you.

But, I can't help you - and you can't help me - if we're not honest with one another. 

I already know the likely outcome for this child - even though I pray that this one is the one that makes it. I know what physical, emotional, and spiritual pain I will endure...

But, I saw our baby today at the doctor's office.

Beautiful.

Two arms and legs, a beautiful back and fat little tummy...

Absolutely Beautiful.  

There are no words for that either. The twin strands of pain and despair that twisted themselves around my heart today. And who will know - unless I tell them - that you can feel those in complete equality and harmony? That you can thank God in one breath for another day with your child, while begging in the next for just one more? 


Or that you can find yourself with no hope - and every hope - all at once?

6 comments:

  1. Ohh I love you all sorts of tons, and I want to say "Congratulations!" unless you'd rather I waited.

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    1. Every child is a blessing. I could not continue if I did not believe that.

      Say, "Congratulations!" There is as much happiness and desire for this child in my heart as there is fear - so you do not have to wait.

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    2. I expected you might say that, but I didn't want to assume. Congratulations! :) Praying for you,
      Carlie

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  2. God bless you sweetie. I feel your pain! I used to greive every month for the child that Joe and I did not concieve. Many people will not understand that, but it is true. I understand how you desperately want to cling to hope and yet do not want to become emotionally involved at the same time. I will keep you and all your family in my prayers. I know that we must trust that our loving Heavenly Father will do what is best, even when we do not understand it and even when it is painful. I am here for you, if there is anything I can do to help. I love you!




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    1. Thank you, Kathy! Prayers are greatly appreciated.

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  3. Praise the Lord!!!!!!! How exciting!!!!!! Life is a gift no matter how small.....(awesome song by Dennis Jernigan). "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and help you; I will hold you with My righteous right hand.". Isaiah 41:10. Although I do not know the depth of your pain, I do know that God is in control and that He holds you in His hands. We will be praying for you - that He will protect and keep you and your beautiful baby safe. Looking forward to celebrating this new life with you and your family!!!! Hugs!!!!

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